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The Jokes Thread - Keep them clean! (ish)

Discussion in 'General Chat - Off-topic' started by Dan, Jul 13, 2017.

Discuss The Jokes Thread - Keep them clean! (ish) in the General Chat - Off-topic area at VWAmarokForum.net

  1. Dan

    Dan Forum Teaboy Staff Member Amarok OC Member Top Contributor

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Location:
    Staffordshire, UK
    Thought it'd be nice to have a bit of a laugh on here. So here's a jokes thread.

    I'll start us off.

    One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different Amaroks before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

    The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."​

    N.b. - don't drink and drive!
     
  2. Dan

    Dan Forum Teaboy Staff Member Amarok OC Member Top Contributor

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Location:
    Staffordshire, UK
    A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all
    dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start
    out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut
    in the house,so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
    The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty in their absence, explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
    A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
    "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
    Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She had better not *** in the vegetable garden again!"

    The silence in the cab was deafening!
     
    • Like Like x 1
  3. Boycie

    Boycie Staff Member

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Location:
    UK
    Please pray for my mother-in-law.
    She was taken to hospital this morning after a bee landed on her face.
    Luckily she wasn't stung, I was too quick with the shovel.
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  4. BigH

    BigH Top Contributor

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Location:
    South Wales
    Proof of what can happen if a wife or girlfriend drags her reluctant husband or boyfriend along shopping.

    This letter was recently sent by Tesco's Head Office to a customer in Oxford :

    Dear Mrs Murray,


    While we thank you for your valued custom and use of the Tesco Loyalty Card, I am considering banning you and your family from shopping with us, unless your husband modifies his behaviour.

    Below is a list of offences over the past few months, all verified by our surveillance cameras:


    1. June 15: Took 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people's trolleys when they weren't looking.
    2. July 2: Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
    3. July 7: Made a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to feminine products aisle.
    4. July 19: Walked up to an employee and told her in an official tone, 'Code 3' in housewares..... and watched what happened.
    5. August 14: Moved a 'CAUTION - WET FLOOR' sign to a carpeted area.
    6. September 15: Set up a tent in the outdoor clothing department and told shoppers he'd invite them in if they would bring sausages and a Calor gas stove.
    7. September 23: When the Deputy Manager asked if she could help him, he began to cry and asked, 'Why can't you people just leave me alone?'
    8. November 10: While appearing to be choosing kitchen knives in the Housewares aisle asked an assistant if he knew where the antidepressants were.
    9. December 3: Darted around the store suspiciously, loudly humming the Mission Impossible' theme.
    10. December 6: In the kitchenware aisle, practised the 'Madonna look' using different size funnels.
    11. December 18: Hid in a clothing rack and when people browsed, yelled 'PICK ME!' 'PICK ME!'
    12. December 21: When an announcement came over the loud speaker, assumed the foetal position and screamed 'NO! NO! It's those voices again
    And last, but not least:
    13. December 23: Went into a fitting room, shut the door, waited a while; then yelled, very loudly, 'There is no toilet paper in here.'

    Yours sincerely

    Charles Brown

    Store Manager
     
    • Like Like x 1
  5. BigH

    BigH Top Contributor

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Location:
    South Wales
    Marriage (Part I )

    Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady, and after the wedding, he laid
    down the following rules:

    'I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want -- and I don't expect any hassle from you.
    I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner.
    I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my old buddies, and don't you give me a hard time about it.

    Those are my rules. Any comments?'

    His new bride said:
    'No, that's fine with me. Just understand that there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night...whether you're here or not.'

    (DAMN SHE'S GOOD!)

    Marriage (Part II)

    Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary!
    The husband yells, 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Wife -- Cold As Ever'!'
    'Yeah?' she replies. 'When you die, I'm getting you a headstone that reads, 'Here Lies My Husband -- Stiff At Last'!'


    (HE ASKED FOR IT!)

    Marriage (Part III)


    Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast table.
    Husband gets up in a rage and says, 'And you are no good in bed either,' and storms out of the house.
    After some time he realises he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.

    She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband says, 'What took you so long to answer to the phone?'
    She says, 'I was in bed.'
    'In bed this early, doing what?'

    'Getting a second opinion!'

    (HE HAD THAT COMING!)

    Marriage (Part IV)


    A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement.
    He is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife,' Mother of Six' in spite of her objections.
    One night, they go to a party. The man decides that it IS time to go home and wants to find out if his wife is ready to leave as well.
    He shouts at the top of his voice, 'Shall we go home Mother of Six?'
    His wife, irritated by her husband's lack of discretion, shouts back, 'Any time you're ready, Father of Four.'


    (A LITTLE HARSH I FEEL)
     
    • Like Like x 1
    • Funny Funny x 1
  6. BigH

    BigH Top Contributor

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Location:
    South Wales
    Yes.... my wife made me post them.....
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
  7. fireheed

    fireheed Amarok OC Member

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Location:
    Aberdeenshire UK
    I really want to know what "code 3 in housewares" was!
     
  8. Tricky Dicky

    Tricky Dicky Top Contributor

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Location:
    STAFFORDSHIRE
    I think it stands for "Shop lifter".
     
    • Like Like x 1

The above are discussion posts about 'The Jokes Thread - Keep them clean! (ish)'. You're welcome to reply to them if the thread is open.

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