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The Jokes Thread - Keep them clean! (ish)

Discussion in 'General Chat - Off-topic' started by Dan, Jul 13, 2017.

  1. Dan

    Dan Forum Teaboy Staff Member Amarok OC Member Top Contributor

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Location:
    Staffordshire, UK
    Thought it'd be nice to have a bit of a laugh on here. So here's a jokes thread.

    I'll start us off.

    One night, a police officer was stalking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible violations of the driving under the influence laws. At closing time, he saw a fellow stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys on five different Amaroks before he found his. Then, sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone left the bar and drove off. Finally, he started his engine and began to pull away.

    The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be. The driver replied, "Tonight, I'm the Designated Decoy."​

    N.b. - don't drink and drive!
     
  2. Dan

    Dan Forum Teaboy Staff Member Amarok OC Member Top Contributor

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Location:
    Staffordshire, UK
    A couple were going out for the evening. They'd gotten ready, all
    dolled up, dog put out, etc. The taxi arrives, and as the couple start
    out, the dog shoots back in the house. They don't want the dog shut
    in the house,so the wife goes out to the taxi while the husband goes upstairs to chase the dog out.
    The wife, not wanting it known that the house will be empty in their absence, explains to the taxi driver:"He's just going upstairs to say good-bye to my mother."
    A few minutes later, the husband gets into the cab.
    "Sorry I took so long" he says. "Stupid bitch was hiding under the bed and I had to poke her with a coat hanger to get her to come out!
    Then I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching and biting me as I hauled her ass downstairs and tossed her in the back yard! She had better not *** in the vegetable garden again!"

    The silence in the cab was deafening!
     
  3. Boycie

    Boycie Staff Member Top Contributor

    Country:
    United Kingdom
    Location:
    UK
    Please pray for my mother-in-law.
    She was taken to hospital this morning after a bee landed on her face.
    Luckily she wasn't stung, I was too quick with the shovel.
     
    • Funny Funny x 1
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